BITTERSWEET MELODY
YA Paranormal Romance
60k
One thing I can say for sure is I’m the only muse in history to ever have been grounded. I know this is true because my father told me. Well, more like screamed it at me while gripping the heck out of a lightning bolt, holding it over his head like a maniac. He totally over-reacted, of course. I mean, come on. Revoking my Inspiration License and grounding me for a hundred years? That completely sucks!
Sucks is a word I learned from my sister Calliope. She spends a lot of time with humans and picks up the best phrases. Whenever she comes home from a case she teaches them to me. Calliope’s a lot more fun than my other sisters—and there are many of us, not just three or nine like humans are misled to believe. And the only one who’s ever been suspended from inspiring? That’s right: me. It’s so unfair. My father says I had it coming, but I swear I’m not a trouble maker; I’m just misunderstood.
But that’s all over with now. I’ve served my time and I’m about to get my freedom back. Don’t get me wrong, Mount Olympus
The last step toward my ticket out of here is a meeting with my Inspiration Officer so I can get my license back. That’s where I am now: sitting in his little office of cloud-white walls, rocking back and forth on the hind legs of a rickety chair while I wait for him to show up.
I like it! I like the voice and I'm curious to see what she did to get her License to Inspire revoked.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice and fluency! You've set up so much already within this small amount of text. I would definitely keep reading. I already like your MC. :-)
ReplyDeleteLove the opening line, and you've got a great voice. The premise sounds really fun too.
ReplyDeleteThis one sentence read a bit clunky for me, but that was it:
Well, more like screamed it at me while gripping the heck out of a lightning bolt, holding it over his head like a maniac.
Maybe... Well, more like screamed it at me while waiving a lightning bolt over my head like a maniac.
Cool! Thanks for the feedback, everyone! :D
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed it. I would maybe suggest gripping the Hades out of a lightening bolt (?). I really like your characters voice and I would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThis is cute! And funny! It's reminiscent of the Percy Jackson novels, just a little more grown-up.
ReplyDeleteGood luck in the bloghop!
uh-oh, i see mary kate and i have the same sense of humor. this is a cute beginning and I hope she gets ungrounded cause the world needs more inspiration!
ReplyDeleteif i had to force feedback from myself I might suggest to start with her in the office and then start her narration to avoid the dreaded info dump and to bring us up to speed on where/who we are dealing with...not a must though this is fun so far!
douglas esper
I'm really grateful for all the awesome feedback, everyone. :)
ReplyDeleteOMG this is awesome! I so want to read this when it gets published. I love the first sentence in the second paragraph! Amazing voice.
ReplyDeleteLove the voice, love the description. This is such an interesting unique twist to a YA paranormal. I would love to read it. I really can't say anything critical, I loved this beginning.
ReplyDeleteI loved it! Only one place my reading stalled a sec.
ReplyDelete"And the only one who’s ever been suspended from inspiring?"
Just need to add two words in there to make it work.
And who is the...
Thats my two bits. Good luck!
Wow, I'm floored by all your kind comments! Thank you so much! :D
ReplyDeleteguess i was the only one turned off by the greek mythology? strong writing, though.
ReplyDelete@JSC: It's totally fine. Each to their own, right? I would be turned off by a war story or political drama. But thanks for the compliment!
ReplyDelete:)
I agree that this is a nice, fun page (and voice)! If you do change anything, I see Douglas' point that you could put her in the office chair first and then add in the background, but it didn't bother me in the first read-through.
ReplyDeleteerica
Nicely done on the voice and concept. This probably dates me, but the first thing I thought of was the movie Xanadu, although I trust there are no roller skating Muses in your novel, though. :-)
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
The first thing I'd say is that I'm a little done with the whole Greek/Roman god thing, so that gave me one of thoughts "oh, no, not another one" as I started reading the piece.
ReplyDeleteHowever! I liked it anyway. Inspiration Officer. Too funny. And a clever concept, the grounded muse thing. Id certainly read more.
Oh, I want to read more!! Now! :)
ReplyDeleteThis is great. I'm rooting for her. Nervous for her. And wanting to follow along with her!
Thanks for sharing. Good luck!
Hi Dorothy!
ReplyDeleteFrom the very first sentence, you had me hooked!
Great voice, great story telling - and I actually love the Greek mythology concept - especially since it's a girl's POV!
You had me laughing as I read, and definitely rooting your MC on and asking questions that would make me turn the page to find out - will she get her license? What is she meant to do?
Great submit.
Best of luck in the contest!
I really liked this. What a great voice and I can see myself reading this story. I agree with the comments above but I also feel that you don't need to change anything because it is already good. Good Luck
ReplyDeleteOMG - I love it - inspiration officer - I want to read on!
ReplyDeleteGreat job!